- The Daily Utah Chronicle

U Student Joins The Lds Church

By , , , and • April 1, 2003

Geto Phab Chronic Staff Writer Disclaimer: The following article is published as part of our annual satirical April Fool's Day issue. Please don't believe any of it, and please don't sue us. Thanks. With construction woes and the lack of parking on campus, the average commuter U student wakes up at early hours of the morning to reserve the best parking space.

Writing the Jailbird Manifesto

By , , , and • April 1, 2003

Brigam Younger Chronicle Staff Writer Disclaimer: The following article is published as part of our annual satirical April Fool's Day issue. Please don't believe any of it, and please don't sue us. Thanks. Since his March 12 incarceration following the return of Elizabeth Smart to her family, much has been learned about kidnapping suspect Brian David Mitchell.

It’s White Heterosexual Male Week

By , , , and • April 1, 2003

Joan Manmangler Token Staff Feminist Disclaimer: The following article is published as part of our annual satirical April Fool's Day issue. Please don't believe any of it, and please don't sue us. Thanks. Fed up with what they see as a rash of unfair and discriminatory awareness weeks, white men across campus have formed their own group to celebrate the first ever White-Heterosexual-Male Awareness Week.

Gun Debaters Gone Wild!!!

By , , , and • April 1, 2003

Ined A. Lyfe Chronic Asst. News Editor Disclaimer: The following article is published as part of our annual satirical April Fool's Day issue. Please don't believe any of it, and please don't sue us. Thanks. U President Bernie Machen was not amused by the recent remarks of Utah State Attorney General Mark Shurtleff-particularly when he accused Machen of being "A b**** 'cause he don't like guns.

Local Student Investigates Corn-in-Poop Phenomenon

By , , , and • April 1, 2003

Disclaimer: The following article is published as part of our annual satirical April Fool's Day issue. Please don't believe any of it, and please don't sue us. Thanks. Lump E. Pottychunks Chronic Staff Writer A Salt Lake high school student is attempting to answer the age-old question: Why does our poop have corn in it? Indeed, this has been a question that has entered the mind of us all at one point or another, and someone is finally doing something about it.

LDS Leaders Attempt To Increase National Stranglehold, Mormon U Students Follow Suit

By , , , and • April 1, 2003

Zacharia Abdul Moshe-Schlomi Muhamand Chronic Religious Zealot-At-Large Disclaimer: The following article is published as part of our annual satirical April Fool's Day issue. Please don't believe any of it, and please don't sue us. Thanks. Tahiti is getting nervous and Bali better watch its back.

REPORT: HAVING BREASTS CAUSES BREAST CANCER

By , , , and • April 1, 2003

Hal Elujah Chronic Staff Writer Disclaimer: The following article is published as part of our annual satirical April Fool's Day issue. Please don't believe any of it, and please don't sue us. Thanks. It may have taken a considerably long time, but medical researchers believe they have finally found the cause for breast cancer, one of the leading causes of death among women across the globe.

Dear President Bush: Thanks, Man

By , , , and • April 1, 2003

Osama bin Laden Chronic Guest Columnist Disclaimer: The following article is published as part of our annual satirical April Fool's Day issue. Please don't believe any of it, and please don't sue us. Thanks. Hey you f***ing American pig dogs! It's me, your old pal Osama! Greetings from the mountain caves of Afghanistan.

Opium Poppies Adorn Afghan Countryside

By By Cliff Cavort, By Cliff Cavort, By Cliff Cavort, and By Cliff Cavort • April 1, 2003

KABUL-According to American officials, Afghanistan is once again "opium-irific" and nearing a state of "heroin-tastic." "The Taliban terrorized the people of Afghanistan under years of repressive, fanatical rule," said U.S. Assistant Secretary of State Christina Rocca.

Junk Food Riot Tears Apart Streets of Iraq

By By Cliff Cavort, By Cliff Cavort, By Cliff Cavort, and By Cliff Cavort • April 1, 2003

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