- The Daily Utah Chronicle

Security Guards Sick of Media Not Recognizing Their Authorit

By , , , and • April 1, 2003

Quasi Baqued Chronic Staff Writer Disclaimer: The following article is published as part of our annual satirical April Fool's Day issue. Please don't believe any of it, and please don't sue us. Thanks. U Hospital Security Guards are the unsung heroes of the U Health Services Center.

Start Saving Water-Pleeeeeeeeeeeease!

By , , , and • April 1, 2003

Super water man President, Utahns for Restricted Water Usage (URWU) Disclaimer: The following article is published as part of our annual satirical April Fool's Day issue. Please don't believe any of it, and please don't sue us. Thanks. In a recent press conference regarding Utah's current drought status and the looming forecast for summer 2003, Governor Mike Leavitt summarized his thoughts and concerns by simply saying, "If it's brown, flush it down.

BEER CAUSES SEX CHANGE

By , , , and • April 1, 2003

The Dude Chronic Staff Writer Disclaimer: The following article is published as part of our annual satirical April Fool's Day issue. Please don't believe any of it, and please don't sue us. Thanks. Scientists at the U recently released the results of a study that may cause men to take a closer look at their drinking habits.

Cell Phone Battle Rages On

By , , , and • April 1, 2003

Rupert Fancpiants Chronicle Staff Writer Disclaimer: The following article is published as part of our annual satirical April Fool's Day issue. Please don't believe any of it, and please don't sue us. Thanks. Every six seconds in America, a cell phone goes off in class.

Con: Will You Marry Me?

By , , , and • April 1, 2003

April Hanson WOMAN Disclaimer: The following article is published as part of our annual satirical April Fool's Day issue. Please don't believe any of it, and please don't sue us. Thanks. What are you, some kind of freak? We've been on just a couple of dates, and you're asking me to marry you? Guys like you are exactly the reason why I can't stand dating anymore.

ASUU Passes Fee Increase Wind Power Bill

By , , , and • March 31, 2003

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Students Strut Their Scientific Knowledge

By , , , and • March 31, 2003

Hundreds of middle and high school students from Salt Lake and Tooele counties gathered at the U this weekend in the name of science. The students were on campus to take part in the 2003 Salt Lake Valley Regional Science and Engineering Fair held this weekend at the Huntsman Center.

Mitko Says to Take Every Opportunity

By , , , and • March 31, 2003

Edie Mitko told high school students to take advantage of the opportunities available to them during her speech at the Asian-American High School Conference Thursday afternoon in the Union ballroom. Mitko, the director of student services and minority affairs for the State Board of Regents, encouraged students to get a college education to open the doors to better careers and lives.

Kilbourne Speaks on Effect of Ads on Women

By , , , and • March 31, 2003

Though most Americans are exposed to nearly 3,000 ads a day, Jean Kilbourne says few will admit that they are influenced by them. "Just about everybody in America feels personally exempt from the influence of ads in their lives," Kilbourne said. Kilbourne, an internationally renowned scholar who is recognized for her work in alcohol and tobacco advertising and the image of women in advertising, spoke to an overflow crowd in Gould Auditorium Thursday night about the "toxic cultural environment" the advertising world creates as part of the U's Women's Week.

Doctor Helps Abuse Victims Regain Lives

By By Andrew Kirk, By Andrew Kirk, By Andrew Kirk, and By Andrew Kirk • March 31, 2003

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