The Daily Utah Chronicle

Jeff Blake is not 34

By By Cheap Jewstein • April 1, 2004

The Nationalistic Chronic has learned that journeyman NFL quarterback Jeff Blake is in fact older than his given age of 34. "He tries to act like he's all down with us, but he ain't. We know it. In the locker room he'll listen to some Fitty-Citty or Beyonc, but then he rolls up into his 1988 Chrysler LeBaron and pops in a CD by The Fixx.

The Chronicle Sucks: The house that suck built

April 1, 2004

Something sucky this way comes: Teddy bears for children suck. Pink teddy bears for children are even worse. Acid rain, unless it makes you think the clouds are bleeding. Not being tall enough to ride the cool rides. The Patriot Act possesses scary amounts of suck.

Letter to the Editor: SLC bum wars spiral out of control

April 1, 2004

Editor: There was a rock thrown through my window last night in the giant campus riot. I'm a patient person, but even I've had enough. The chaos all started, as you're probably well aware, when the on-campus activist group, Bum Central, started gaining serious momentum and a dedicated following.

It’s time to destroy campus buildings and organizations

By By Optimistic Ollie • April 1, 2004

There is a large variety of departments and organizations on campus at the U that are an extremely large waste of money. These organizations, which I will identify below, should be permanently closed in an effort to reduce tuition. These people and places are worthless and contribute nothing to the community and many of them take away from the U at large.

Former secretary charged with theft

March 31, 2004

Most of the various articles bought with money stolen from the U have been returned, but there's still an alleged $12,000 loss to the university, said Salt Lake District Attorney Clark Harms. Nicole Reames, former executive secretary in the David Eccles School of Business, allegedly stole more than $24,000 between January and May of last year.

U pow wow to break down stereotypes, promote awareness

March 31, 2004

This Friday and Saturday, as a part of the American Indian Awareness Week, the Inter Tribal Student Association, along with the American Indian Science and Engineering Society, is holding the U's 32nd annual pow wow. The association has been around since 1971.

Letter to the Editor: Let the wall come down

March 31, 2004

Editor: Since February, a wall has sat on the lawn west of the Union. The purpose of the wall was to inform students that the U.S. government is funding the building of Israel's apartheid wall to the tune of more than $15 million of taxpayer money per day.

Spandex Man dares you to be bored this weekend

March 31, 2004

Is it hard to find a reason to get out of bed these days? Do you suffer from what professionals call severe acute-lazy-ass-wiener syndrome? Well, suck it up because there's always something to do in Utah. One activity to check out this weekend is The Canyons' annual pond-skimming contest and reggae festival, taking place this Saturday, April 3.

Violence and fraud at Gotham U

March 30, 2004

Attempted counterfeit car purchase A U employee went to an online site to sell her van. After being contacted by an interested agent in England, she agreed to sell the van for $8,000 to a man the agent knew in Canada. The agent told the woman he would send her a $14,000 check to cover the cost of the van and the shipping fee.

Runnin’ Utes sprint to success in Sacramento

March 30, 2004

The U men's and women's track teams opened the 2004 outdoor season with a strong showing last weekend at the Sacramento State Hornet Invitational in Sacramento, Calif. The Utes brought home a remarkable seven gold medals from a meet featuring four other schools.