- The Daily Utah Chronicle

Gymnast Eberle Is Intimidating, Boyfriend Says

By , , , and • April 1, 2003

Archibald Keen Chronic Asst. Sports Editor Disclaimer: The following article is published as part of our annual satirical April Fool's Day issue. Please don't believe any of it, and please don't sue us. Thanks. When U gymnast Annabeth Eberle decided to give lowly me a chance and we went on a date, I almost cried due to happiness.

Martha Burk Protests All-Male Toilets

By , , , and • April 1, 2003

Disclaimer: The following article is published as part of our annual satirical April Fool's Day issue. Please don't believe any of it, and please don't sue us. Thanks. In a move that puts considerable political pressure on restaurants, schools, stadiums, bars, clubs, office buildings, amusement parks, beaches, symphony halls, libraries, department stores, malls, museums and hospitals across the country, Martha Burk, chairman of Women for Equality and the motivating force behind getting female golfers admitted to Augusta National, is protesting the sexist institution of the all-male bathroom.

students who think they know as much as we do: Lord of Hell Responds To Islamic Extremists

By , , , and • April 1, 2003

Editor: I am writing to clarify something that has really been bothering me lately. The United States is not "the Great Satan" as many Islamic extremists would like the world to believe. In fact, as Supreme Lord of the Underworld, I believe that I am the Great Satan.

students who think they know as much as we do: I’m a Smart Engineer

By , , , and • April 1, 2003

Editor: I am smarter than the people who work at The Chronic because I can do math. I'm an engineering major. And people who can do math can do anything. So I'm smart. I am sick and tired of reading all of this liberal crap coming out of The Chronic.

Jackson Waiting for Right Moment To Unveil Famous ‘Shuffle’ in SLC

By , , , and • April 1, 2003

Disclaimer: The following article is published as part of our annual satirical April Fool's Day issue. Please don't believe any of it, and please don't sue us. Thanks. There has been something ominously missing from Utah Jazz home games this year. The team signed veteran point guard Mark Jackson just prior to the season for a variety of reasons, not the least of which was the eclectic style and attitude of his patented "Mark Jackson Shuffle.

The Chronic View: Why We Don’t Suck

By , , , and • April 1, 2003

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Majerus Cans Team, Suits Up

By , , , and • April 1, 2003

Mohit Asnoni Chronic Sports Toker Disclaimer: The following article is published as part of our annual satirical April Fool's Day issue. Please don't believe any of it, and please don't sue us. Thanks. Both incensed and depressed from his team's second-round exit to Kentucky in the NCAA Tournament, coach Rick Majerus announced today that-similar to last year's mass exodus of five players, leaving the Utes with only four scholarship players that had seen playing time for this year-he was releasing his whole team from their scholarships and effectively starting from scratch.

Meyer’s Facility Infiltrated by Evil Cougars

By , , , and • April 1, 2003

Kruger Goon Chronic LDS Sports Columnist Before really getting a chance to dissect his football team, U coach Urban Meyer has had to keep a watch out at spring practice. Meyer announced to the media he was responsible for exposing Gary Crowton and his BYU football coaching staff as spies today at the U practice facility.

students who think they know as much as we do: Where Are The TV Gay People?

By , , , and • April 1, 2003

Disclaimer: The following article is published as part of our annual satirical April Fool's Day issue. Please don't believe any of it, and please don't sue us. Thanks. Editor: I'm sick of your constant homophobe bashing. I wouldn't be phobic of homos if they acted like the homosexuals on television.

Whoa! There’s a War

By , , , and • April 1, 2003

Disclaimer: The following article is published as part of our annual satirical April Fool's Day issue. Please don't believe any of it, and please don't sue us. Thanks. According to top U.S. political officials, the United States is at war with Iraq. In an interview given exclusively to The Chronic, U.