- The Daily Utah Chronicle

Sine: Motiwala’s good looks make the world go ’round

By and • April 1, 2008

There are many sexy men on our fine campus, but there is one whose molten-hot sex appeal sears through the hearts of all women. That big hunk of master man meat is the Associated Students of the University of Utah Vice President, Basim Motiwala. While this titillating tempter's looks might only appeal on a level of lust to the majority of people, it should be said that Basim's intoxicating appearance has done more for this university, city and state than the Huntsman money and Donny Osmond combined.

Regents approve necrophilia major

By By JJ Redick and By JJ Redick • April 1, 2008

Good news, death fetishists. Your kind is welcome at the U. By a 5-4 vote Monday night, the Board of Regents approved a necrophilia major, allowing students to earn a B.S., M.S. and Ph.D. in the controversial track. "We thought it time the university recognized that career desires can go beyond the normal boundaries of being a doctor or farmer or race car driver or whatever," U President Michael Young said.

Men’s Hoops: Nevill AWOL after learning of Muppet twin

By By Peter Priesthood and By Peter Priesthood • April 1, 2008

U basketball star Luke Nevill has reportedly been missing for four days since the 7-foot-1 center discovered his twin brother from whom he was separated at birth. Through a DNA test last week, renowned U scientist and Nobel laureate Mario Capecchi confirmed that Beaker from Jim Henson's Muppets is indeed Nevill's identical twin.

Correction: Rock the U winner

By and • April 1, 2008

The March 31 article "Dance for the Cure" misstated the winner of the Rock the U fundraising grand prize. Dhiraj Chand raised more than $800 and won the "Rock Band" prize.

Research animals’ names released

By By Boa Tanner and By Boa Tanner • April 1, 2008

During the last legislative session, the Utah House of Representatives passed a bill that, if signed into law, would conceal the names and personal information of animal researchers at the U. The bill was sponsored in response to animal rights protesters who had been harassing U researchers at their homes.

Ute Briefs (4/1)

By and • April 1, 2008

Chess club adviser's head explodes, interrupting milestone match Longtime U chess club adviser Robert Johnson is in serious but stable condition after experiencing excitement-induced spontaneous combustion Saturday night. Johnson was experiencing what doctors called "borderline mass hysteria" after grandmaster and former world champion Garry Kasparov agreed to play Utah's Ivan Martynenko in a friendly match during the weekend.

Men’s Hoops: Runnin Utes get another shot at postseason glory

By By Mark McSlumpbuster and By Mark McSlumpbuster • April 1, 2008

After further review, a few seconds have been added to the shot clock on the Runnin' Utes season. The Rest in the West Invitational, presented by The Mtn., is giving Jim Boylen's squad another chance at postseason glory. Also making the trip to the RWI host city, Elko, Nev.

It’s me, Mario!’

By By Chester Hambone and By Chester Hambone • April 1, 2008

U students and faculty were shocked to discover Monday that the identity of Swoop, the red-tailed hawk, is none other than Nobel Prize winner Mario Capecchi. The Daily Utah Chronicle was able to obtain exclusive security footage of Capecchi removing the top of his costume after the gymnastics meet against BYU on Friday.

Briefs

By By Banner Oat and By Banner Oat • April 1, 2008

In what members of the administration called "a complete invasion of privacy," The Daily Utah Chronicle discovered that U President Michael Young's mansion is actually his parents' basement. Young has lived in the same basement room, nestled in his parents' three-bedroom Avenues house, since high school.

MLS: RSL, Chicago Fire game ends in a tie

By By Tim Haslam and By Tim Haslam • March 31, 2008

Real Salt Lake (0-0-1) showed signs of improvement from last year on Saturday against the Chicago Fire (0-0-1) but ultimately fell into old habits by allowing a late goal, which resulted in a 1-1 draw. "For me, there was one soccer team on the field. We played all the soccer, to be honest with you," RSL head coach Jason Kreis said.